A Personal Opinion

Anyone browsing my blog may get the impression, that I focus heavily on the problems that can arise between humans and dogs. Yes, that's right. This impression is correct. And anyone who actually reads my articles may come to the conclusion, that I think it's okay if we occasionally yell at our dogs. That's not true. This impression is deceptive.

We all have our Issues

I am convinced that there will always be stumbling blocks between humans and dogs. After all, we all have our issues and triggers, whether human or dog. Maybe there are some teams where everything always goes smoothly, but this is not the case for the vast majority of human-dog teams. That is normal and it is just as well. Because difficulties are always opportunities to learn, develop and grow together.

And it is precisely those who are closest to us - friends, parents, siblings, partners and our pets - who trigger us most quickly and most often. Probably this is because they know us best. But it is also because we are the most open to them. This causes injuries that in most cases are not intended at all. And then, when we lose our temper, it's not good, but it is what it is. And it's pointless to wish it were different.

Conflicts in close relationships are normal.

What you want is not what you need

I often say “when things get difficult, this is where it gets interesting”. And this is usually the case, when I start looking beneath the surface. As a dog trainer, I am called when something on the dog's surface (that is, his/her behavior) no longer "works". Then people want the dog's behavior to change, ideally overnight. The deeper causes of the behavior are usually not inquired after.

To be honest, I care less about what people want. That doesn't mean that I don't have compassion for their wants and needs. I'm just more interested in what's happening beneath their surface as well as the dogs'. Because that's where I find what people need. And that usually has a lot more to do with themselves than with their dog. Why does the dog's behavior bother them so much? What feelings does it engender? And what unmet needs underlie these feelings? Not asking these questions means closing our eyes to our own sore points and lying to ourselves. And it is the dog who pays the price for this self-deception.

Beneath the surface is where things get interesting.

Esoteric Eyewash

There is yet another variety of this self-deception. I call it the esoteric mirror hypothesis. In short, it says that the dog reflects the human's issues and triggers through its behavior, like a passively reflecting surface.

First of all, dogs are no passive reflectors, but active living beings with their own needs, feelings, issues and triggers. As in every other relationship, humans influence this inner experience, but it has its origins in the dog itself. The reverse also applies. My dog's issues naturally influence me. However, what they trigger in me is my business.

Reducing the dog to a mirror function is also a very convenient way to only see what I want to see. After all, a mirror only shows me what I show it first. Again I stay stuck on the surface and thereby avoid the often very painful look into my own abyss. I call it esoteric because it gives itself an air of mystery and depth, but is essentially nothing more than eyewash

Relationship: Clarity through Separation

If I want to understand myself, I can't avoid taking a deep look inside myself. If I want to understand my dog, I can't avoid looking at him/her as an independent being, separate from me. And only when I have done this will a clearer picture begin to emerge of the relationship that binds us together.